Brain Barf

2:18pm: Heh

'What will your obituary say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

11:22pm: Enfold me, I am Small
got home from the gym and there were like, 5 little black kids on my lawn, with a little dog in a little dog harness. I crossed the lawn to get inside my house and went near the tallest boy who held the dog. The boy said: "Best not get too close to my dog Mister, I don't want him to have to bite you." The boy was about nine, and the other children, three boys and a girl, were about 7 to maybe five or four. It was about 7 PM and pretty dark. I felt bad for these children, who had no one to discipline them or to pay proper attention to them, so that they wandered about in this ragtag clump, waitintg to threaten my mother, on her lawn, as they had the day before. The dog, a little puppy RinTinTin, was more interested in sniffing about our lawn than springing at me in a deadly comet of teeth and momentum.

I knew the dog would grow older and more aggressive, the children, taller and more angry at the only Asian family in a 20 block radius. The four waifs trailing behind the froth of the owner and his canine bullet he was raising to fire.

I thought of my mother, who they were intending to harm, because they had no excitement of their own. Who would fade slightly under the weight of this new conflict.

I went inside and called the police.

The faux battle tableaus of Real World/Road Rules Challenge did not engage my attention the way they normally did- nor did the swirling curliques of pot exhale lift the day's weights from me as they normally did.

A balance tipped, a support collapsed. An eye of faith shuts, a weary lid of realization strains wearily wider still.

9:49pm: Art
this isn't my first time
the disappointment that you just gave me
it feels fresh, new- the dull pain
and resignation blankets me afresh

so this is how it will be now
me, viewing you with through these jaded shades
this is the retreaded trail we are going on
and I can see the abrupt drop off

the cessation of us, this kind of togetherness
that I thought would grow into the sky of our future
the foundation of our union

brittle, brittle
I should have seen the inevitable
my once ripe optimism
withers
and no one will love
these harsh lines
this bitter taste

8:47am: Hey Diddle Diddle
I was in NYC, going to see an acapella concert where the o erfrmers were all singing traditional Christmas songs in falsetto and high pitches. I somehow finagled my way into a restricted area of a high class hotel using the code 5-3-0-8. Inside was a large amount of different types of private showers, a small pool, a Jacuzzi, bidets, and a weird urinal. It was a conveyor belt that went around the whole room, with parts of it behind glass windows, you lay down it and peed on yourself, and various parts of it would emit steam and warm water sprays to clean you off. On one part you were cleaned and dried by a row of manicured hands and at the end a male supermodel would smile at you. In this case, it was Marcus Schenkenberg. Afterwards, I went to go see the concert, Jake Gyllenhal was sitting in front of me , I didn’t want to say anything to him, but eh turned around and started a conversation with me. We talked a bit and I confessed that I knew who he was, and that I had just seen Brokeback Mountain, and I loved it. We both settled down to enjoy the concert , but during the intermission I was whisked off to a secret black room where the media offered me money to find out what Jake and I had talked about, verbatim, and to make me say untrue things, such as I was having his alien baby, etc. But I refused them, on the grounds that our conversation was now sacred and precious to me. Afterwards, Jake refused to speak to me anymore, hanging out with a group of girl fans instead.

10:47am: So, fifteen minutes before I was scheduled to leave on weds, I got called into Blanca’s office to have a meeting with her, but it was really Martha’s office, the Big Boss, and it wasn’t a talk, it was yet another ultimatum situation for Lars at Leeway. See, Blanca is incapable of actually just correcting me in a gentle way for improvement. She is either condescending, bitter, or extremely angry. What could have been worked out in a quiet, supportive way at any other facility is expanded and distorted into an unwieldy asinine situation. I was issued a written warning, ostensibly because I’d “failed” to complete this job description for Blanca, three times, and had screwed up a deadline, which I knew nothing about, and my “failure” was really Blanca’s inability to patiently and specifically explain things to me, and instead with her broken English and lousy interpersonal communication skills, garble unintelligible commands at me and then become incensed with anger when what she wants doesn’t happen. The whole scene was very skewed and biased in Blanca’s favor, Martha was doing most of the talking, and Blanca was just looking on like an attentive audience member at a New Age assembly. I had to sign the warning sheet, therefore acknowledging the failure, though it’s not real, my signing makes it real, you know? So it was all fucked up- and I did try to get some of mine back, I told them that I did try to redo the document, that I was surprised that such a minor situation would warrant a written warning, etc. Martha then talked some blather about how I’d been doing poorly lately, and that this was just the latest in a string of events that Blanca had been tracking, etc. Which is utterly ridiculous, seeing how I just had my review like 5 weeks ago, I can’t have had such a rash of bad behavior, n’est pas? It was all just propaganda to beat me down and make me acquiesce to their view of the situation. I know if I’d asked them for specifics they wouldn’t have had anything really, but it’s such a useless point to argue, they were there to either have me sign, or not sign, and be terminated, or not terminated, so I couldn’t really go off on too many random tangents. However, I did call her on never ever having work to do, and Blanca immediately tried to make it appear that I wasn’t even doing the work I was assigned to do, citing the vehicle log, which has to be updated like every 11 months, and that I hadn’t added the 4 new employees we have, which I hadn’t, but that is SUCH a minor point, and I sort of cut her off, and was like, USE ME, UTILIZE ME, so they are giving me, hopefully, dozens of forms to redo. They gave me one so far. Also, I tried to reveal Blanca’s severe emotional disturbance problems, but I couldn’t say that she yelled at my like a dog that just shit on a leather sofa, so I had to use all this work jargon, such as “Unnecessary volume output”, and “Presumably violent gesticulation”, which sort of diluted what I was trying to get at, but I got the message across. Blanca got all big eyed and innocent and surprised, and after I wound down from my ramble made all these statements that began with: “You may FEEL…” and such, trying to mitigate the impact of her responsibility, but I’m glad I said it. Even though it totally sucked, hopefully I’ll get more work to do, and the fact that I bought up her verbal ferocity, willingly, in front of her supervisor, in a meeting that was supposed to be about chastising me, will keep her roiling unhappiness in check and it will be less projectile vomited at me- however, it really cleared my cloudy skies about me future at this death camp, my sister’s been sending me all these job descriptions from CA, and I found out I can ship my car there by train, and I bought all of my resume and work related shit to work today, so I can get my shit together with my Ipod in one ear, with no authority figures to breathe over my shoulder-

7:52pm: i thought today
i thought today
in tv shows i watched that
i only enjoyed the funerals and the tears

i looked at my fingernails
but they weren't there
bitten down to the bottom rind
defeated and numb with despair
with the terror of my teeth
supposed to protect my fingers
who instead extend and offer them trembling sacrifice
for the good of more

i don't let poeple see them
curve my hands in a strange way
when I shake hello
do they see my deformity?
this indication of the shape of my mind, of me?

i though i would be done with this
by now
this remnant of you
but lately you've ebbed closer to me
like a tide i didn't notice
and i'm absorbing all this sadness again

this time, it's mine
i can't break up with myself
i just wait for these waves to recede
but they rise

9:36am: I ain't never had nobody do me like you

Your Element is Earth

Your power color: yellow Your energy: balancing Your season: changing of seasons Dedicated and responsible, you are a rock to your friends. You are skilled at working out even the most difficult problems. Low key and calm, you are happiest when you are around loved ones. Ambitious and goal oriented, you have long term plans to be successful.

9:26am: Unhappy Birthday
Oh god, I also saw the worst porno ever last night, it was called “My Big Fat Studly Greek Gangbang”, and the phrase that I feel best summates it is “thrown together”. It was very very homemade, amateurish and sloppy. The first twenty minutes was gathering all of the actors in various living rooms, and driving the van across town to pick more of them up, and then just throwing them into a too small sitting room, so they were awkwardly draped on couches and love seats, trying to get in the mood. There was no attempt at a plot, like “I was washing the car in my cut off daisy dukes which happen to be full of holes and I became really hot so I threw the bucket of water all over myself, and I got an erection and it poked through a hole in my shorts, and the neighbor boy who was mowing the lawn stopped mowing and leapt over the fence towards me for a hot time on the driveway.” No sort of false premise was acted out at all. However the director did tell us that there was a wedding coming up and that everyone was “greek”, and that the groom, who was never determined or introduced, but presumeably was he was among the group of men gathered together, was upset because his fiancee had gotten very fat, so now he had the urge to have a greek orgy. Everyone was looking at the camera and not working on their simulated passion at all, and there was like an hour and a half of fellatio and switching kissing partners, and very little actual anal sex, no one could really maintain the pace, and guys kept on switching partners and positions, without really getting anything going with the guys they were with, they really didn’t know what they were doing. And for some reason, they were all named Nick, like “Nick Boy ass”, and “Nick Throatthrustpopolis”- disappointment ensued.

9:30am: Every Single One of Us Has the Devil Inside
So, besides having a weird dream wherein the cast of Grey’s Anatomy were at an orgy party that I was also at, and I watched the mean, but hot doctor /intern have someone go down on him- yesterday was fairly uneventful.

The new Robert Jordan book did come out, and finally, lots of action is happening. I’ve heard it’s the second to last book in the series, so I guess he’s accelerating. It’s just non-stop action, with traitors suddenly revealing themselves, all sorts of alliances and agendas becoming more complicated, or initiated, lots of death, new plotlines unfurling, and I’m not even through the first hundred pages, I think.

Also, in a stupor from the gym, I watched the current episode of LOST. I think it’s a massive government lab rat experiment with three groups of people in various stages of modern societal deterioration. EVIDENCE: We have the first group, large, which allows for the largest amount of new development in terms of everyone interacting in a productive manner. Then there is the recent discovery of a second group, who is much more predatorial and violent, who we discover has been preyed on by a third, monstrous, annihilating guerilla posse, whole think we are going to discover, has been there for YEARS. My guess is that the government periodically crashes people there to see what would happen in the aftermath of a nuclear disaster, if people had to survive in a world with no electronics or modern conveniences.

9:43pm: Who Doesn't Like Getting Emails Like This?
Just a question do you like having your body massaged with warm lotion from head to toe? well if you do or you thionk you might get backe to me I have great hands and I am a licensed massage therapist, I would also love to give you a happy ending. edwardleone@comcat.net

12:56pm: I had a dream that this girl had a dead dog under her bed, like in a space that was the same size as the bed, but it was a drawer. We peeled off the dog’s skin, and it was the girl’s mother, in a powder blue suit, with a pink purse. She was dead also, and didn’t want to move from under the bed. But when her daughter went to sleep, she liked to hold her hand. Drunk dreams are weird.

12:21am: Where does the good go?
So much so much- I'll leave this up until Wednesday, some of you I've already told, for the rest of you, here's the rest, of my Monday- Tuesday now, I'm eating moistly crunchy hours old popcorn and chicken breast from last night- Step Mother/monster said it was too tough, but it's tender and white and moist- providing a most welcoming hangover preventative- and she's an unhappiness projector anyway- SO

Today was my job review, five months late, and today, I learned that I can't worry about certain things beforehand- that I have to wait until fifteen minutes until, and maybe panic, maybe be calm, maybe just take that time to grab my water bottle, and show calmness, and no fear. I smiled and nodded, and agreed at my deficinecies in THOSE areas, and smiled and murmured about my own need for improvement, show the teeth, show the teeth, make eye contact to show listening, respect, and submission.

At the end I asked about my raise, and hopefully will receive a retroactive check large enough to pay for my new eyeglasses, or the damage I did to Tara's car by parking into it last week-

BUT AFTER WORK

Ah, that time when I am free, to smoke, or whack off, or hook up or just burp and burp until the next day, when I am bound by chains of labor and servitude once more. Today, my big plans were to go to the gym, which backfired because it’s the Jewish New Year, and afterwards, attend the Sara and Tegan concert, but that backfired because everyone who said they were going bailed, and I was the only fool who’d bought a ticket! After grousing about this sad situation for a bit of time- I decided my only solution was to get really really stoned, which is something of a universal solvent- so I glammed myself up and drove in a meandering manner downtown, parking near the concert hall so I could cut through it, and end up at Toad’s.

Walking across the marbled entranceway, a tall, sexy Italian/American guido-ish type scoped me out, but as he was going out the way I’d just come in, I thought that was that. However, he soon over passed me on my left, before zooming ahead of me. I used the social barrier that an Ipod provides and pondered his possible motives while “Black Hole Sun” blared in my ears. Abruptly, hr took a left, pausing in his new direction to look back and draw me towards him with his magnetic gaze. Wherever this was going, it had to be better than a friendless viewing lesbian sister band that I only knew from the Grey’s Anatomy soundtrack.

Following his breadcrumb trail of lust, I ended up, oddly enough, at the locked doors of my former Chinese school, but we had to go around the building, to the back door. On the way he asked me my ethnic background, what I did, was I from New Haven, etc., and I lied about some things, because it’s nice to project a fantasy image of oneself at times. I asked him if he was a cop- up close, he was fairly attractive. Pale, angular face, slicked back Italian helmet hair, brown or blue eyes, muscular, beefy arms sausaging out of a tight black t shirt. He was kind of like a beefy vampire, his name was Aaron.

Once in my former educational prison, we wet up to the third floor, following a young blond lad into the bathroom. Since he was there though, I vaguely panicked and went into a stall, while Aaron went to the urinal. Once the boy left, Aaron peeked into my stall, and we had some quality time at the urinals together. We chatted a bit, and scoped out each other’s equipment, and he said things like “Hot cock, let me see your balls, take your hand away and let it swing there”, etc. I finished first, and he shot into his hand. He’d trimmed his pubes into a little straight line like a penis moustache. I felt almost giddy as he washed his hand off in the sink, I hadn’t had my wars sliced off or anything, some young hottie had thought me attractive enough to lure me into a risky restroom, I had all these orgasm endorphins blaring from neuron to neuron. I explained to him how, minus three feet, I used to take classes here, and what I did tonight was something I’d never done then, and he told me how that Yale common area was a cruising ground, for all tastes and types. I said: “What, people just loiter there and eventually pair off?” But since I was hardly disproving his theory, I dropped my argumentative tone.

Sara and Tegan had quite a tough act to follow, they were ok, I only super connected to one song. A nice looking boy with nice hair past his ears kept on staring at me, so I introduced myself to him. His name was Chris. But he didn’t really take my Trojan horse, so I left the venue and staggered my way to my car, and home.

9:15am: That'll Do Pig...
Going to see Coldplay tonite!

So, they’re doing a remake of Charlotte’s Web., which in my opinion, needs no further revision. Those springy ditties “Salutations! (Sal-u-what-tions?!?!?)”, and “Zuckerman’s Famous Pig”, are still songs I can warble today. I don’t want my fond little memory to be overwritten by some Pixar animated clunky monstrosity with songs by Will Smith and some British pop band whose names is a number, like “Take 5!” However, I do know that the stars slated to be in it include Kathy Bates, Julia Roberts, Cedric the Entertainer, and of course, little Dakota. What a celluloid whore that nine year old is. I just hope Wilbur isn’t characterized by some giant bovine robot.

2:07am: the book of love
So, I saw Sin City today. I also went to Rudy's, i was already weraing my Mao t-shirt, which I was already paranoid about because I had been to a japanese restaurant today and received ill looks from the Asian servitors there. Anyway, i'm at the bar, four gin and tonics on my way to nowhere because the drinke were hella weak everywhere on this Saturday night. I had to walk around a little horshoe shape of people to reach the space in the middle, so I could talk to my friends. on the way, i accidentally trod on the toes of a short heavily tatooed gentleman, and arouse not only his ire, but that of his larger, shaven headed, equally tattooed comrade in arms. They immediately begin to remark on my t-shirt, the taller, balder fellow saying: "It's not like anyone likes Mao, he's no Che Guerva." I attempted to ignore them, and explained to the blonde of the group, Cindy, who exactly Mao was. The two males were quite persistent in their Mao commentary, so i finally addressed them and said: "There are few people around here who would actually support Mao, perhaps some aged Chinese revolutionaries, from the mainland. However, this t-shirt I am wearng is Warhol's visual interpretation of mao, it is not politically relevant in any way, is quite separate from politics, and is simply art." The two unpleasant men then said: "Oh, we weren't trying to say that, we weren't trying to..." I felt sort of angrily helpless, that no one around me understood what they were doing, how I was being targeted, as someone gay in our blind mass culture. I suggested we blow for the outside of the bar, and we did-

10:52pm:

LiveJournal Haiku!
Your name:	stirfryuinmywok
Your haiku:	send me random text messages about how he was scolded via cell phone
Username:
Created by Grahame

10:24pm: So, I did omsething to my computer where I cannot save my pictures properly, and can't upload a new LJ icon, so I guess I am Mr. Blankface for now. I am 25, I am old, I have accomplished nothing, except accumulate bills and car corpses, I don't know when getting older stopped being exciting and became one more foot in the grave.

11:22pm: Human Behavior
I was watching gay porn today, and was thinking besides the fact that it's weird that someone would have their most intimate moments filmed (sometimes I can't do it with the lights on), that these men can't, like kiss each other, because they're strangers, but as the butt banging progresses, they feel this like, niceness towards the other dude, and like kiss their shoulders and buttcheeks, and in the shower afterwards, will totally let their hands roam and be very comfortable and cozy, but from the neck up, they're like those British guards for Buckingham palace, and are expressionless. Guys are weird.

10:26pm: ??
So, I of course forgot to get a blank video to tape Brit/Kev CHAOTIC! with, but I'm glad i saved my cash, it's really weird, the theme song and visuals are really poppy and ambivalent, not really sexual or romantic. It begins with Britney being sad and lonely in London, and then flying Fed out to like, seduce him gradually and have someone to bang. He looks so gross when they show him talking more in the present, and not when they first met, he's always reclining, so he has 7 thousand chins, and has this nasty stringy Kevin Hardy hair, so gross. I don't know how they consumated anything after his trans-atlantic flight, or got married, bc I stopped watching it. She just seemed reallyreally immature and flighty, and has bad acne cheeks and totally has had her nose done and has implants. The more I watch these blond silicone pop starlet shows, the more I am convinced that these "women" really don't develop intellectually or emotionally and need these father figure husbands to protect them and police them and nanny them, and that's why they always have little handlers and assistants, they can't get a latte by themselves!

Work is ok, I think I'm learning some sort of gradual life truth by being nice to people and trying to resent my boss less. I wonder what it is?

10:37am: My cousin Rachel was back, we were visiting together. I had somehow obtained an enormous amount of contact lenses whose packaging were little foil packets, and they had hooks attached on the top so they could be worn as earrings. Each pair of contacts had a theme, and the color of them, of a symbol on them, told me what was on the contact. The shade of color would be the color of the lenses, or a symbol, such as a cross n the outside, would be what was in the center of the contact, or inscribed on it in some way. Then, I somehow was late for work twice in the same day, at 10 AM, and then at 11:30, and I had missed a meeting, and in my dream, I couldn’t understand it, because I knew I’d set my alarm clock.

The night before last night, I dreamt that my mother ad just gotten out of prison, she was really hard core and monosyllabic with crazy here. Out house was totally The Silver King, a la Susan Cooper, with a tree growing out of the roof, and onions hanging form the ceiling, we left the house, on some sort of quest, in the car. But right on the highway, where you can leave downtown and go onto 95 or 91, all these planes were landing, so we had to get out of the car and walk. The plan had been bisected somehow, and we could see the entire inside of it, it was still standing upright, and there was a platform set up next to it, so that if you walked on it, you could be silhouetted against the lights and fire. My mom stood in front of it, and wanted me to take a picture of her next to it, but I couldn’t fit the whole scene into my cell phone.

9:31pm: Bigmouth Strikes Again
Ok, so on Friday, I went to work and my boss immediately and long-windedly reprimanded me for something and I, tired of her Blame Lars First Policy, fought back, and the ensuing battle lasted about 6 minutes, with her swooping off and saying: "I can't make you listen to me at all.", so nothing happened at all, so I thought maybe I was right, or all right, or something. However, in the last hour of my shift, I was summoned to the Big Boss' office, where she and my boss were there, and this "discussion" then happened,. wherein, it was gently yet firmly pointed out to me that of late, my performance had been sloppy, in documents I was typing, typos had begun to spring up, I was half-assedly updating the census, I'd been emailing too much, and I was moodier and sometimes people didn't know if I was going to bite their heads off, or be really nice. I was told that my main job there was to be an extension of Blanca's resources and shouldn't be thinking independently at all, or standing up for myself, and should bring any problems or concerns to her, and she would save the day. I was then put onto a thirty day probation period, and if I improved over that time, then I wouldn't get fired. In order to enforce this, I had to sign a contract that listed all my bad bad negligences, so I did, because I have no money, and I feel as though I signed my soul away. This weekend I updated my resume and I have an appointment on Wednesday with a career counselor at Southern.

This is my interpretation of events: I fought with Blanca, not respecting her position as my superior, because she has never respected my right as a human being, and she, seeing I would never listen to something coming from her, wrote up a faux list of minor discrepancies, blitzkrieged me into this meeting, and now can steal my lunch money and I have to just take it.

THe fallout is that work has officially become the most boring place ever, I can't check my email, go online for my own pleasure, take personal phone calls, or exist as anything mor than an extension of Blanca's fallopian tube. Nevermind that these are things that everyone else at my job can do with impunity,I was also lectured about "rank" at Leeway also. I sure didn't get any there.

10:22am: The World Of Normal Boys
So, I had this date on Friday, and I thought it went really well. But I guess that is just my lone POV, because I sent him a text message on Saturday, and he has yet to respond. I hate the passive aggressiveness of gay men, I guess everyone does it, but I focus or feel more sensitive about it when I get it from potential gay friend or what have you. Especially because I thought this wasn’t going to happen, I was feeling totally cheerful and worthwhile, if he’d disliked me, or thought I was boring, or a waste of his time, I wish he’d told me, so I wouldn’t have had to put the pieces together from his communication absences, invisible non-responses, his throwing away of something that he feels never had a chance.

9:28am: False Idol
Today is the tenth day since I officially broke myself away from Josh, it wasn’t really a “we” thing, it was more like he already knew his answer, what he was going to do about the situation, and he was waiting for me, or pushing me, towards the same conclusion. So Hooray, we’re on the same page. Part of me hates him for being who he is, for his weakness, his inability to show me anything except by hurting me, until I run, and get some distance, and can look back, and see the structure of our time together. It’s still casting its shadow over me, and my future, I feel cold and abandoned in this gloom. I wonder when I’ll stop counting the days?

I don’t have a religion, or like a family member I believe in, or a role model in sports or film. I like sex a lot, I think sex lives in that faith part of my brain, maybe because it’s real, and I can rely on it, sort of, and it’s a validation of me, like, if I do it, and like it, and someone does it with me, then I’m great, and sexy, and desire able to someone, and that’s something real. Having said that, sex let me down last night. I was stood up for a menage, but it originated in quite an unorthodox way, which I think should have told me it was all going to go to shit. It started off with a hot guy like, opening a chat box, and being really nice and me feeling comfortable talking to him, and then, he said that I actually looked really familiar, and did I know this person, he thinks this person knows me, he’s going to call this person, he does, this person knows me, speaks super duper highly of me, is really excited, wants to get his freak on, so does the original guy, do I want to have a threeway, etc. So that was what was set up for yesterday afternoon.

This is the back story behind that guy, Tim, who is the guy that the new guy, Dave, called. I hooked up with Tim, like 2 years ago, it was pretty good, then, Tim and I were supposed to have a three way, and I called him the day of, like at the three way time, and he didn’t answer, so it didn’t happen. I saw him online, I think that day, and was like, “What the fuck?!?”, and he was like “I fell asleep.”, and, that’s no excuse, but when I took it further, he just ignored me, and didn’t type anything back.

But, he would send me random text messages about how he was sad, and could I come over, for months and months, until last October I think. So, this is the guy whose house I was supposed to go to yesterday. Which, in retrospect, was a bad idea

So, back to yesterday, I get this text message yesterday afternoon saying that Dave is “bagged”, and could we meet at 9:30, so I send him one back saying that I didn’t understand what he meant, what was going on, and Tim never got back to me, and neither did Dave.

If Tim was mad at me, or thought I’d mistreated him or something, it would have been better if he’d just said something like “That was pretty fucked up”, or “I did something wrong, but you didn’t have to go there.”, or something, instead of this elaborate plot. I think gay men are the pettiest of all people, unable to confront, to be upfront just to be honest and direct. It’s so disenheartening when I try to think of myself being with anyone when I get older.

7:18pm: Break My Heart
So, this is my life, apparently threeways and I are like matter and anti-matter-

BlahBlahLars: I hate men
Chells11: oh hi honey. no you dont
BlahBlahLars: hell yes i do, i am currently being stood up for another 3way!
Chells11: i was going to call u in a little bit im in the middle of this work thingy i have to finish.
Chells11: well stop having 3ways!
Chells11: have a 2 way!
BlahBlahLars: ok, i gotta eat food instead of boning anyway
BlahBlahLars: hey, if the numbers work, how can i say no?
Chells11: 3 way is like your new starbucks
BlahBlahLars: well, if by Starbucks you mean constantly sucking, then yes
Chells11: no i mean like its your caffiene and java and obsession and fix and you spend all your $$ on it
BlahBlahLars: I just need cock in my lonely ass
Chells11: and by money...i mean time
BlahBlahLars: it's so gay

So, i sent one of the threeway guys this email, and now I'm gonna eat lots of BEEF-

Hey Dave, I currently don't know what's going on right now, I got a text message from around 4, from Tim saying you were "bagged", and if we could meet at 9 PM!?!?! So, I texted him back, and he didn't respond, and I've called him several times since, and he's not answering. This is exactly what happened last time, I don't know if he's angry, or where you are, but this really sucks. tell Tim, if he wants guys to respond to him, and his phone calls, and text messages, he needs to change his M.O.

9:20am: Here I Am, Once Again
There’s this guy that I met about 2 summers ago, for maybe a day and a half, who then blew his way out of CT, and blew me off also. I thought I’d never see him again, but he called me several weeks later, wanting to get together in NYC, before royally fucking that up with his own need to put his desires before prearranged plans with me. He was scolded via cell phone, and I never thought I’d see him again. But he became some sort of benign stalker, sending me postcards and emails on a semi-regular basis, despite the fact that I never ever responded over all of these long months. So then, I broke up with Josh, and then, felt like, why not break outside of my behavior box, and say Hello. So now said individual, whose name is John, is totally set to visit me in June. I said we could go camping. Right now, he’s touring the country with I think, this man who fulfills the role of his rich sugar daddy, I guess they have a relationship, but he still contacts me all the time, and I presume, other men. But whatever, it’s not my dysfunctional relationship with his faux daddy. My dysfunction is the fact that I kind of hate him, he has no point in life, he just drifts from yoga summer sessions, to grad programs, to MFA programs, goes to Hawaii, he doesn’t pay for anything, has no responsibilities, and just tools around having a good time, everyday, and I’m totally super jealous. So anyway, I get this postcard from him yesterday, that shows two tombs in the aboveground graveyards in New Orleans, and he wrote “John and Lars, together forever.” I just wonder if I’m like one of those blue lights that people put out to kill moths, but I just attract man freaks who are mentally disturbed.

10:51pm: Without Lyrics (adding oozing)
Listening to that cd
you know, the one i always play
when you and i break up, again-

Lyrics only exist as truth
in the fragile highways
between speaker and my receiving ear
banging echoes in my
trusthworthy heart

So unlikeable
So sit here and type
and tell myself
this is where the pain goes
into something profound
out of something so worthless as I

Perception of beauty exists only
in the heavy treaded steps between my heart
and the subject of attention
beating hard truths on its fragile skin

This peach I have is bruised
and easy to squeeze juice from

My naivete is post-orgasmic
and dessicated
caught in the shallow levels of past esctacies


You preferred to live alone
once I stopped wearing this idea you liked
when I tried to pick you from the pips
of your own affection dehydration

Continuation of you and I
exists only in the cortical illusions
of my mind's damp, oozing passageways
convincing my heart
that one day I'll have importance to you

the way these songs nourish my hope